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There’s No Spark. No Light in the Dark. To Make Sense.


My life has been going extremely well lately but I’m constantly left with this feeling that I’m not getting enough done quickly enough. Like I’m rummaging around in a dark room trying to put a puzzle together instead of looking for a light. I thought getting the business running with Joe and Adam would really help me focus all this ambient energy around me but if anything it feels like yet another thing on my plate that will be malnurturished until it finally blossoms.

Maybe I should stop with all my hobbies.

No endless hours of reading Encyclopedia Dramatic facts, or playing JRPGs on Xbox360, creating content for Freedom Force, or disgusting Japanese pornography that would make Warren Ellis cringe.

But if I gave those things up what do I have? Dinner with Dan? Being a productive member of the e-commerce team? Scramble and late night bar hopping with my friends? Riding that extremely overpriced Italian bike (which I need to sell NAO!). Blah!

I need to learn how to focus all my energy on one thing. Maybe that is the problem. Six (Seven in Sept) years of being together seems to put me in a place of always reaching for new things in fear that if I settle for what I have I’ll become bored (thank HOVA Dan has remained relatively unaffected). We’ve been talking about the whole marriage thing and I honestly like the idea of a rare video game being my engagement dowry. I don’t know anyone else who would settle for Marvel Vs Capcom 2 as declaration of love but I’m weird and a geeky guy. Maybe that is the real problem. We are stuck in Limbo while all of our friends (gay and straight) are tying the knot. The very idea of being married scares me. I think it is the gypsy in me but being legally tied to someone scares me. What if I want to sell all my belongs, give the cats to Bryce (for some reason I trust him with animals…just not children), and run off to Brazil and embracing my longing to sail on the Águas de Março. I am sure Dan would understand and even join me to learn from Brazilian chefs but what would my travelling do to our relationship. Knowing me I’d become friends with transsexual prostitutes and become a fisherman. I should buy a boat but who buys a boat when they have no interest in cars (they bore me). I shouldn’t be wasting what little light is left of this day. I’m going to head for the Mississippi and watch some ships come in.

That would be nice.