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Noh-Varr, The Protector of the Lame

Noh-Varr Given Title Protector of Earth but also a Lame Costume

Noh-Varr, The Marvel Boy

Noh-Varr, The Marvel Boy

So recently in Dark Avengers Annual #1, the Kree super-boy known as Noh-Varr was on the run from his former teammates, the Dark Avengers. During this escape Noh-Varr was given new Nega-bands and appointed the new protector of Earth by Supreme Intelligence. However he was given a disgustingly design costume – it seems while the Supreme Intelligence is supremely smart, he’s a terrible designer. When I was reading this I assumed he would be called Captain Marvel because that was the codename given to him by Norman Osborn and it seemed that Bendis has been leading up to this in his Illuminati and Secret Invasion series. To bad Marvel changed their minds…

Noh-Varr, Captain Marvel

Noh-Varr, Captain Marvel

Noh-Varr, the Marvel Boy, former Captain Marvel, is now The Protector. That’s right, some overly generic name that just slaps Noh-Varr fans in the face. In fact when I was reading Siege: Storming Asgard special (which turns out is a bunch of information I could’ve gotten off the damn intrawebz), I saw the name and immediately thought of the Teen Titans Robin stand-in – The Protector (pictured below).

Teen Titans - Protector

Teen Titans - Protector

Notice how DC’s Protector also has a stupid costume.

Created because Keebler sponsored some comic book give away in the early 80’s and Robin was already licensed to Nabisco, Jason Hart or the Protector is character that should’ve never been born. Also how lame is it that his origin story involves cookie companies?

So after remembering this it got me thinking there has to be other random “Protectors” in Marvel’s own universe. So I did some searching.

1) A “Protector” appeared in Tales to Astonish in the early 60’s. I couldn’t find any information on him because he was so incredibly lame.

2) Protector, a Xandarian (the lamest race in the universe) named Thoral Rul who was Prime Thoran of Xandar. He has psionic powers that allowed him to mind-meld with the Worldmind. He was eventually killed by the equally lame space-pirate, Nebula when Xandar’s population was wiped out (and later retconned). He later came back to bother Nova after the Worldmind was rebooted.

3) The Protectors by the Marvel owned Malibu Comics line. This was a team of losers who been around since the late 1930’s who lost so much they were cancelled 20 issues in and in 1990’s time that’s like 3 issues.

Why would Marvel decided to call of its most amazing characters The Protector with so many unknown or forgotten characters by the same name? It’s like they want him to fail. Do they just not know what to do with him? They seemingly forget he has a list of abilities on his own that make he pretty awesome (he eats garbage and runs in imaginary White Rooms). So why this “more powerful” nega bands. Why not just let him be Captain Marvel in his own right. Give him back his ship, and his mini-Supreme Intelligence and have him patrolling the world ala a one man’s Authority.

Why Would They Rename Noh-Varr the Protector and Give Him this Fugly Costume?

Noh-Varr, The Protector

Noh-Varr, The Protector

I guess Marvel thinks they don’t need to develop second-tier and third-tier characters when they can focus on Wolverine, Spider-Man (Why are they making another fucking movie?), Iron-Man, Deadpool, and Thor (I demand moar Ares on Thor action!).

Dark Avengers - Noh Varr

Dark Avengers - Noh Varr

The Story of Noh-Varr (as stolen from Wikipedia)

Noh-Varr serves as an ensign aboard the 18th Kree Diplomatic Gestalt interstellar schooner the Marvel, which traverses millions of alternate dimensions on its way home. The ship is drawn toward the Marvel Universe and shot down by the forces of Dr. Midas, a multi-trillionare obsessed with gaining powers through the absorption of cosmic rays. Midas blasts the Marvel out of the sky in an attempt to acquire the ship’s cosmic ray-powered engines. His friends and comrades killed, Noh-Varr emerges as the only survivor.
Noh-Varr then encounters the sentient corporation known as Hexus. Accidentally released from a containment cell when the Marvel crashed, Hexus begins to take over world-wide commerce in an attempt to subjugate the human population and ultimately control Earth. Noh-Varr invades the control center of Hexus and ultimately destroys the “social parasite” by releasing all of its trade secrets to its competitors.
Noh-Varr finds himself pursued by Dr. Midas and his minions, and upon striking an alliance with Midas’ daughter Oubliette, Noh-Varr defeats the megalomaniac. After the battle, agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. capture Noh-Varr and incarcerate him in a seemingly inescapable prison known as the Cube. While in custody, Noh-Varr declares war on Earth and the human race.

Noh-Varr serves as an ensign aboard the 18th Kree Diplomatic Gestalt interstellar schooner the Marvel, which traverses millions of alternate dimensions on its way home. The ship is drawn toward the Marvel Universe and shot down by the forces of Dr. Midas, a multi-trillionare obsessed with gaining powers through the absorption of cosmic rays. Midas blasts the Marvel out of the sky in an attempt to acquire the ship’s cosmic ray-powered engines. His friends and comrades killed, Noh-Varr emerges as the only survivor.

Noh-Varr then encounters the sentient corporation known as Hexus. Accidentally released from a containment cell when the Marvel crashed, Hexus begins to take over world-wide commerce in an attempt to subjugate the human population and ultimately control Earth. Noh-Varr invades the control center of Hexus and ultimately destroys the “social parasite” by releasing all of its trade secrets to its competitors.

Noh-Varr finds himself pursued by Dr. Midas and his minions, and upon striking an alliance with Midas’ daughter Oubliette, Noh-Varr defeats the megalomaniac. After the battle, agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. capture Noh-Varr and incarcerate him in a seemingly inescapable prison known as the Cube. While in custody, Noh-Varr declares war on Earth and the human race.

Powers

Noh-Varr is a Kree (albeit from another universe) who has been enhanced with insect DNA. He has demonstrated enhanced reflexes, speed, strength, and endurance well beyond that capable of a normal human. He is able to re-route his neurological impulses so that he can avoid experiencing physical pain, and even suppress any stimulus he doesn’t want to experience, making him a deadly opponent in battle. In Civil War: Young Avengers/Runaways he performs a “White run”, pushing everything unrelated to the fight from his mind, allowing him to defeat Xavin, Karolina Dean, Wiccan and Hulkling within seconds.

In addition, Noh-Varr is “triple jointed,” allowing extreme feats of contortion and the ability to survive what would otherwise be crushing forces. Noh-Varr can also scale even the smoothest surfaces, including vertical walls, glass windows, and ceilings.

When needed, he can digest any organic substance without adverse effects. As a result, he can eat rotting or poisonous food as well as non-food stuffs (e.g., cardboard, paper, etc.). He uses this ability to recover from wounds or extreme stress.

Noh-Varr’s saliva contains biologically active properties that infects the bodies of those it touches. This causes hallucinations and allows Noh-Varr a degree of mind-control. His thumb nail can grow into a deadly crystalline spike. Noh-Varr can insert this nail into an opponent and leave it to explode, killing both the target as well as causing extensive damage to the surrounding area.

Noh-Varr also has access to a wide variety of advanced Kree technology, including high-tech weaponry such as self-replicating grenades, plasma guns and a “pocket battlefield” that can simulate unique battle environments for combatants.

Noh-Varr later obtains Skrull replicas of the Kree Nega-Bands from Khn’nr at the end of Mighty Avengers #19. The Nega-Bands give him the powers of the original Captain Marvel which he uses in battle against the Skrull forces in Secret Invasion #7.

In Dark Avengers Annual #1, Noh-Varr makes contact with his people and is given a pair of Nega-Bands of his own along with a new costume.

One Response

  1. i got to agree with you marvel doesnt seem to know what do with this guy they couldn’t even get him up and running during a skree invasion. he could have been a great anti hero with weird unique powers now he is a d lister with no where to be .

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