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Hopes and Dreams

I find myself stuck in this life I’ve created. I consistently wonder if I’m happy. What makes me happy? Where is this place called “Happy”?

Christopher still believes I will never be happy because I’m only happy when I’m miserable and Dan doesn’t make me miserable. I believe this to be Christopher projecting. Just because I enjoyed being miserable with him doesn’t mean I only want to be miserable with every relationship afterward.

Dan’s parents are coming two weeks. I’m confused to how this happened on my watch. I dislike his father because of his judgmental, oppressive nagging. It makes me want to kill myself.

I’ve been finding comfort in playing Super Smash Bros Brawl. It is amazing how some things bring me back to the place I want to be. I feel ten again sitting on the floor so close to the TV I get a headache from eye stain. I just wish my mom would walk into the room, yell at me for sitting to close and force me to sit in a chair like an adult.

I should stop smoking chronic. It forces me to enjoy the most ridiculous things. I watched South park last night while I waited for Dan to come home from work and laughed for 30 minutes straight and I’m not sure what was so funny about cat urine and cheese.

God, I hate chronic as much as I hate alcohol and pills.

I’m cooking dinner tonight or pretending too. I told Dan I would but I rather smoke some chronic.

I miss my mom.

I hate that I’m stuck in my office while the sun is so bright outside. I should go to the park right after work.

What is this? I’d delete it but there’s no point. God, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I need a hobby. I haven’t put on an art day in months, my essays and notes are left out to be eaten by my cat, and I’m not focused on anything but doing my job the best I can.

I feel old. Fuck, even my back aches.

What is wrong with me?

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