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The Other Man

Being alone is not one of my strong suits. Sure , I can lock myself in a closet for a month or two and not think anything of it but being emotionally alone is another story. Since I moved here, Dan has come and visited me several times but it is like the moment he leaves something I need is taken. I suppose it is just my emotional pussy feelings typing here but he takes a big piece of my heart with him when he leaves. I become distant and cold yet demanding attention for anyone I’ve decided “will do” for the time being. I have not cheated physically or emotionally but I feel like guilty for wanting attention. I feel guilty for a lot of things I do when he leaves. I overindulge in drinking and drug usage (nothing major just pot and pills) and I let my feelings create stories about what Dan is doing in order to give myself something to be dramatic and cry about. I’m not a drama queen but being away from him has made me connect dots that aren’t there or figure out string theories that have no real solutions.

I have abandonment issues from my parents’ divorce and for some reason they only show up when I actually love someone. If a friend is too busy to see or talk to me, I’m fine but Dan tried that I would assume the worse is going on and that I am the one to blame for it. I reenact events in my head adding new meanings and phrasing, I construction memories from piece of conversations from years ago, and I bring up old sins which I have actually forgiven all in the name of defend my heart. It is a preemptive tactic which I use to get rid of someone before they can leave me.

Love shouldn’t feel like this but for me it does. I try not to let my crazy out and run wild because I know in my heart if we did break up that would be the reason. Dan would be tired of my theories and notions about what he was doing last night and with whom. He will see my jealousy and accusations as reasons to go out and fulfill my prophesies and I will ignore his every chance at making things right because I will be the winner of the end of the relationship.

I guess this post is me saying goodbye to that “man” I having an affair with. His drunk drama queen behavior will only hurt my future plans with someone I love and I’d rather end this relationship now so that I (the non-crazy jealous drunk drama queen I) can finally realize what it means to be happy without all the baggage.

So I am going to write myself a “Dear John” letter and let go of it all:

Dear Anthony,

We have had some really good times and you are a great guy and some of those nights were fun getting drunk and kissing guys you thought were cute, it was also great being everyone’s favorite angry, loud-mouth jersey boy but this isn’t working for me. You start drunken fights with Dan over nothing, you are demanding and needy for attention, you cause me to wake in the morning with hangovers and start drinking again to “cure” it, and frankly I’m tired of all the crying over absolutely nothing; it really is no way for the son of a Veteran boxer to act. I love you and I hope you can get off the drugs and booze but this relationship is seriously fucking up the only relationship I ever really care about. It was nice but I think it is time you and I saw other people. I’ve packed your things and they will be waiting for you at Andy’s in the fridge (the handle of rum). Take care and don’t end up like your parents, you’ve got a great smile and winning personality don’t let substance abuse tarnish that.

Love you always and forever,

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