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The Neighborhood Bike

Captain Save-a-Ho. That is the way I would describe my friend Andy to someone who asked. Whether the girl comes from a broken white trash home, father recently committed suicide, or just a regular in everyone’s bedroom, he has a habit of finding a girl with so many emotional problems that it makes that kid from “Who’s the Boss” look like a poster child for gay normalcy. The most current “ho” name is Sierra Nevada (her parents realized her options in life would be limited to porn starlet and stripper). She’s a seventeen year old who is completely sex orientated due to daddy touching her in the no-no areas as a child. It’s not that I fault her for “sex equates power” ideology but I have a problem when she sets her sights on a dear friend of mine after arguing with the block’s previous skeezer about who has slept with more guys and claiming someone’s gentiles as her personal possessions.

“Why”, you might ask do I care. Well Andy has a habit of becoming his girlfriends.

When he was with the thirteen year old Goldie (when he was 18 mind you); he became a straight edge born again Christian fuck. Then there was the Bek phase, where he became a drug-obsessed sex deviant who frequently had sex with a man with a rather large penis in order to satisfy Bekah’s sexual appetite. Sierra would just be another personal he will become until she leaves him. Andy is a guy who was a complete mmorpg playing, 1337 speaking (that’s means “computer elite” for you luddites reading), anime obsessed technosexual until all these other personalities started diffusing into his core personality. He was an unattractive, Aids-thin dork who girls never noticed. Now every time a girl even looks his way he comes her fully-articulated action figure with kung fu grip.

It is sad watching Andy try to explain that “…she is a social experiment and I’m going to teach her to be a better person” when everyone knows he likes her. Why bother lying to everyone about what’s going on when like 95% of the people you are telling this to have had sex with her. He makes me want to scream “you like a dirty ho, deal with it” but I realize that would not solve any problems and I would be homeless which wouldn’t benefit me.

Maybe Andy’s core personality wasn’t the most endearing, interesting, or cool but he was himself. I am just now getting use to the new coke-addicted wannabe musician persona which was being organically created but I really don’t want to even bothering getting to know pointless observation making, ridiculous question asking, fake smiling because “I have so much emotional baggage” Andierra which is currently driving me up a fucking wall.

Don’t think I’m asking too much not wanting to make friends again with some new persona that has decided to inhabit one of my oldest friend’s body, am I?

At my core I’m a comic book reading, pornography addicted, loud-mouth who isn’t ashamed to be himself and is constantly over dramatic or drunk but it is who I am.

I hope for Andy’s sake that he finds out who he is one day.

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