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Why are we here?

Coming back from New Orleans always seems to dull something inside of me for a few days. Besides the intense emotional rollercoaster which we do not call a “relationship” hitting its highest and lowest point recently, I just don’t know how I feel anymore about much in my life. This is not normal. I say one thing and feel another. I do something completely off the wall just so I can feel like I think I should feel and we both just sort of coast along with each other waiting for the perfect moment to happen again. We had our most recent perfect moment yesterday: he came behind me and danced with me in an antique shop to christmas music, which is ironic considering our hatred for all things jolly and overly yule-ish. But for that moment it was perfect. I guess the glance he gave me during the first love scene in Brokeback Mountain as we watched the past unfold was nice as well. It was so mutal. We need to work on being mutal to one another. I should really stop telling him what to do and he should really start telling me how he feels.

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