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The Last Act

Lately everything with me seems to be trial and error but I hoping after tomorrow’s meeting I will finally figure out what I want from someone else. Maybe that is the real problem, there isn’t one clearly defined thing that I want and it makes looking for something that much harder. The last couple months men have been throwing themselves at me and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying it but I really want to figure what I should do now that I am certain the one I want to be with just doesn’t have the time. Which I understand but I also know there is no point waiting around for someone who you worked well with despite being in constant conflict with their schedule.

I think about what I really want right now and I honestly think I just want someone who will talk with me. Not the way friends do but the way two people who really want to know each other do. I’m not needy for affection or completely sex-crazed I just need a friend who will call me to ask how my day was or if I would like to go out to dinner sometime. I know that is what I do with Dan but I just need someone new so I can energize myself and allow Dan to do the same. I had that feeling with Jason though, yes I pretended to all my friends that I wasn’t upset about our breakup but I was and still am because it was fun to be with him. He made me smile and I tried my best to do the same for him and though I wish things had turned out differently he is here to learn while I’m here not so much for the learning as I am the experience. I guess it is best that he and I are friends, there will be no resentment and no sleepless night just ocassional chatting about cute boys and making fun of what someone is wearing. The one thing I will miss most about him is when he looked all shell-shocked when someone asked him something and he wasn’t prepared to answer it or possibly taking off his glasses before I kissed him (We were adorable together). His age was never really a concern for me and I am glad I didn’t let that get in the way. I hope the next guy adores him like I did, he deserves it. I feel bad for Jeremiah however, I see him and all I see is deep pain. I know I can’t deal with that so I can’t give him what he wants from me. I know I wouldn’t be good for him. I’d walk all over him and take advantage of him and ultimately hate myself for treating him like other people in the past have. It would be too much of a burden and I am not ready or willing to carry it. I guess that brings me back to Brian. We were on rocky ground in the past, too much confusion over what the other one wanted and what would we ultimately do when the time came for him to leave but now he is looking more and more like a better option than the others. He likes to have fun and ramble on about things he find interesting and honestly I am incredibly attracted to him. We talked last night on the phone and it was one of the best conversations I have had in ages. I think I should give him a try because I know he wants what I want: someone to be around. Maybe after tomorrow everything in my world will even out. Feelings amongst people will dim and casual conversations will not have hidden meanings. People will just be happy and Anisa would finally not have to deal with gay drama anymore.

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