December has come early this year.

I have done a lot of terrible things in my life to people who have loved me. I do them not out of malice or hatred but rather because I am scared. The only person who understands this is the only person who I can honestly say I loved. I feel bad thinking about how I am unable to deal with other people’s emotions simply because I hate letting my own show. I feel sometimes I have to fake emotions for events and people who I really could careless about. This makes me feel less than human yet above all for some reason. Maybe that is why the word “worldbeater” means so much to me. Is that who I am or simply who I wish I was? I think Nietzsche was right about realizing the awfulness of the human condition because once you realize how awful it is you can do nothing but loath not being able to escape it and pray one day it will all be over.

PS My room, academic, and social life are in disarray.