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Consonants and Vowels, the Consequence of Sounds

I got off of work, extremely tired because the previous night I stayed up all night talking to Christopher about his marital problems. He seems to think that he has the ability to make a hoe into something other than a hoe but the truth is no one man can change or even make a hoe. I listen to him moan, half-caring, half-just needing to talk to someone who was worse off than me. Christopher is good for that, always has been. As we talked he says things that I could only imagine he said about me when I moved out of his house all those years ago. He tells me of revenge and pain yet swears love. I start to hear myself in his words; I start to hear things I said to Dan and Aaron and Evan and even Mark (despite his psychological being the real reasons for me being done with him all those years ago) but ultimately I hear the words I have said to Dan. Feelings rush over me and as my chest begins to pound harder and I am in a state of sheer panic of what I have done in the past to him, I quickly tell Christopher I am tired and I must go to bed because it is four in the morning and some of us have work in the morning. He whines then begs me to continue to listen to him. I promise him I will call him back if I can not sleep but the truth is I’m going to try to sleep; I am going to call Dan. I hang up as quickly as I can and dial the numbers without even thinking. I let the numbers slide down the telephone’s line and ring his cellphone. He picks up and he is drunk. I become nervous and intimidated because I realize what I want to say to him should not be said. It would be pointless and just confuse us both more. I apologize for calling and quickly tell him to get back to whatever or whoever he was doing. I hear the pathetic tone in his voice that I once adored begging me to wait but I hang up before he says bye and call Christopher back. I tell Christopher I could not sleep and he might as well go ahead and make me feel worse. He does and I almost burst into laughter as I realize Christopher, the only person to hurt me as much as I hurt him is begging me to come home. He is begging me to leave my job here in New Jersey to get on the next flight to be with him because he needs me and I am the only one who understand. Itell him I have made a decision to stay here and nothing can change my mind and then I quickly think of Brian. The Cowboy, the one who I am not in fear of being the passive one in the relationship with. The one who even after such a short time I realize I want and badly. I tell Christopher I am going to bed and just as I did with Dan, I hang up before he can say bye or beg me to stay. I go to my room, lay on my bed and sudden the phone rings. I grab it and see that it is Dan. I almost throw it across the room but instead ask him what he wants. He talks in elegance of a drunk and his words are as confusing as Kurt’s are in “Smell like Teen Spirit”. I tell him to shut up because I can’t understand him, he says ok and then continues. I blurt out I love you Danny and he responds by saying he loves me as well. I hang up and fall a sleep. I go to work, get a headache, and remember I need to go to Elizabeth to meet my sister for dinner tonight. I get on the train in Newark, get off in downtown Elizabeth and walk uptown to Flora Street. While walking there I get a call from my sister telling me she can’t make it. I get very angry and begin to explain how she acts like Mom and I can’t fucking stand it. I hang up much like my Father would have done and mumble curse words about her. She calls back with the sweetest yet nastiest tone (much like our Mother) and explains how she is tired and really doesn’t have the money to go out with the kids. I become passively understanding (Like our Father) and tell her I’ll see her on July 3rd for Aunt Robin’s cookout. She says yeah and tells me to call Mom to remind her. I call my Mother, still extremely pissed that I am in midtown Elizabeth and now have to get back on the train and head to Newark and take the bus back to the Oranges. My Mother suggest I give my cousin West or Dee a call. I think about giving West (who is named after my Grandfather) a call but realize despite being best friends and cousins when we were younger, my going to college had somehow made me too sophisticated in his eyes and I needed to become the kid I once was. So I decide to call Dee. He tells me to meet him at his job in downtown Elizabeth and I ask him to call his friend and pretend I can not remember Marcello name on purpose. He tells me ok and I head to meet him. I get there and we head quickly to meet Marc at his house. This is the first time I’ve gone to Marc’s house. He lives in a two family house that is very much the standard in the former factory district of Elizabeth. He lives across from an old factory that produced God knows what back many years before the Afro-Latin explosion of Elizabeth occurred back in the mid-70’s. He comes to the door and I smile because I am glad to see him. We decide to go eat, I suggest this pizza parlor near this Brazilian diner I love near 1 and 9. We pile into Dee’s car and head there. Marc ask me all kinds of questions I usually wouldn’t answer in front of Dee because I know they will somehow get back to my mother like everything I say around my family. He tells me he likes my black leather bracelet and reaches for my arm, I hesitate but ultimately let him take my wrist. I stare at him as turns my arm upside and right side-up to examine it from all points of vision. I can’t help but smile at him and think about how I really want to kiss him. My cousin seems to be annoyed so I quickly put the focus back on him, because after all these years he still needs to be the center of attention. While we all sit there, I reach my arm behind Marcello and put my arm around him because I felt like it and he says or does nothing object. I think about that time at Disco Diner with Dan when I put my hand on Dan’s inner thigh. I sigh to myself and then realize what I am doing. I realize I say and think something different from what I actually do. I think about how I told everyone I was done with Dan and I really needed to come to NJ to be away from him but I’ve talk to him more than I talk to anyone since I’ve been here. I remember the words to a Regina Spektor song and then we leave soon.The fun in me begins to fade and becomes replaced with guilt, Dee and Marc drop me back off and while I am walking away from the car I think about calling Brian just to say hi but decide it is a bad idea. I see that the gate is open and the Old Man’s town car is gone. I walk to the pool and look at how perfect the water looks and I think about Brian again. I think about how it is going to be when I get back to Georgia and I realize at that moment that “I” don’t exist. I walk to the back door and enter the house and pray that no one will ask me how my night went because even as I type this I am not sure.

The point of this post is not to tell about yesterday but to show I am a man destine to drown and can never ever fry and now that we’ve got that straight I want to take a fucking bath.

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